Five of My Favorite Books for Pregnancy.......

It’s really easy to get lost in the sea of all things pregnancy related, and there is no exception when it comes to books. There are a lot of different choices. I gravitate towards evidence based information that are also easy reads. I can’t sit and fight my way through a book. If it doesn’t engage me, I’m out. The books below I would really recommend to read before pregnancy, when you are planning or thinking of conceiving. You can tackle them during as well, but sometimes we can benefit by adopting healthy practices during our planning time too. I do subscribe to the fact that it is never to late to make healthy choices, learn about our body, or understand what to expect. Below are some of my favorites!

1. The Yoga Birth Method: I use this book as a reference. This is great if you did yoga before you were pregnant. It breaks down poses by trimester, and includes suggestions for modifications. Another benefit is that it does go into what happens to the body during the different phases of labor, and which poses can assist in the process of birthing your baby. I’m a big fan of explanation and benefit. Why am I doing something? This book is great for those that practice and want that movement throughout their labor and delivery.

2. Babies Are Not Pizzas: This book is written by Rebecca Dekker, who is a PhD, RN, and founder and CEO of Evidence Based Birth. In this book Rebecca will walk you through the very real realities of institutional care during childbirth. This is a look at what she experienced in her own births, and what birthing people can face. This is her story, but provides so much real information on understanding how and what you can do to advocate for yourself and your baby. All of which is based on facts.

3. Awakening Fertility: I am a HUGE fan of Heng Ou. She is also the author of another book listed below. I think two things are sometimes overlooked, fertility and postpartum. We put so much preparation into getting ready for baby, the pregnancy itself, that fertility and postpartum aren’t discussed nearly as much as they should be. She really says it best when she states, “All great voyager’s know that a venture’s success depends on deep preparation. Yet, when it comes to pregnancy, we often take the leap without first strengthening our sea legs. It’s not a stretch to say that many women today are highly stressed and minimally rested, overfed yet frequently also undernourished, and hyperconnected yet poorly supported.” This could not be more true. This gem is full of helpful information, not to mention savory recipes. Her six flavor chicken recipe is one of the best!

4. Real Food For Pregnancy: Pre natal nutrition can be a hard nut to crack, but Lily Nichols has done an amazing job! This book breaks everything down, and I mean everything. Much of the nutritional advice that has been out there up until recently has been outdated and didn’t pay much mind to ancestral diets. Honestly, look no further. This is a book that I recommend to all of my clients. Not only is it full of nutritional information, it is broken down by trimester, and even has some of Lily’s recipes to try for things like nausea based on science. This is by far the best book to have when it comes to pregnancy and nutrition. She also has one specifically for Gestational Diabetes.

5. The First Forty Days: This book is my go to for any birthing person. I think that in our culture we rush through the post partum time. It’s almost as if people are encouraged to hurry and get back to work, or get back to “normal’. This is your new normal, and while there will be hard days, you have to meet yourself where you are at. Heng Ou does an outstanding job of outlining why this postpartum time is so important, and her recipes promote health and healing in this season.

I think that we need to take time to prepare ourselves for this journey into pregnancy. The more knowledge that we have, the more power that we have. Understanding the process gives us peace of mind and power. In our culture we under estimate the fact that food can also have so many healthy medicinal properties that have such profound ramifications on our body, We no longer have to rely on the advice of just eat whatever you want, or you are eating for two. These are wonderful resources that will only serve you well as you move through this journey.

Hospital vs. Birth Center.........

This is what I want you to know. I don’t care what type of birth you have or where you do it as long as you feel safe and heard. I want you to walk into your birthing place feeling confidant, heard, supported and that you are going to receive the care you deserve and want. Period. I’m not here to tell you where to birth, only to let you know some of the differences. I have attended all types of births, and EVERY single one has been different. The choice is yours.

One of things that I hear a lot from families is that when they tell their family and friends that they are birthing in a birth center they are met with concern. Birth Centers are amazing options! The environment alone feels as if it is one of the most peaceful and beautiful places to meet your baby. They are staffed with Midwives and those midwife teams have partnerships with specialists and OB/GYN’s and a perfectly safe option if your pregnancy is not complicated. Trust me when I say, that when they need to pull a partner, they do. When I say complicated I mean that you are not facing any serious medical concerns. Not everyone will have the option of birthing in a birth center. There is also a difference in a free standing birth center and a “birth center” attached to a hospital. They are not the same thing. A freestanding birth center is a birthing option for those that wish to have a non-medical, minimal intervention birth. Below are some things that you can expect.

• Privacy. You are not connected to a lot of different machines, and you are allowed to labor with minimal interruption. You are encouraged to eat, drink, move and do what you need to do to move that baby down.

• Environment. I tend to think of the accommodations as a bed and breakfast. The birthing rooms are comfy, perfectly lite, the tub is perfection, and should you desire a water birth this is the best place for that.

• Timing: This is a birth center. Somewhere that you go to have your baby. You will typically arrive when you are in active labor (around 5-6 cm). You have the ability to labor in your own home until active labor when you head to your birth center. Most people love this. Studies show that when in labor people cope better when they are in their own environment and feel safe. You typically leave the birth center 4-6 hours after birthing your baby. There are less medical interventions so this allows you head home pending no complications sooner.

• Insurance: Most birth centers will be out of pocket with the average cost ranging from $3000-$4000. I have found that some insurance cover some of theses fees, while you could have a greater out of pocket.

• Families stay together: After you have your baby, you are given the privacy to bond and breastfeed. Known as the golden hour this is an amazing time. There really is nothing on earth like it.

• If you are looking for a birth center, check the Commission for the Accredation of Birth Centers website (CABC).

A hospital birth is not a bad thing, and some people feel that they would be more comfortable there and that is perfectly fine, and sometimes necessary. I said it above and I will say it again. I just want you to feel safe, heard and comfortable, and if the hospital makes you feel that way, perfect. I am grateful for our hospitals. All three of my children were high risk pregnancies, so I had no choice but to birth in one, and that was the right choice for me. Below are some of the things to expect:

• It looks just like you would think, a hospital room. I tell families to make yourself comfortable. Open drawers, see where things are. If they don’t want in something, trust me it will be locked. Think of it as a very expensive medicalized bed and breakfast. Get comfortable.

• Timing: When your labor begins, you will likely call your provider at which point they typically will tell you to head in. You will be there until usually around 24-36 hours after your baby is born. Settle in.

• This is typically a medicalized birth. What I mean by that is that there are also a lot of options in a hospital. You don’t have to use them all, however they are available. Expect things like IV bags, epidurals, things like that are available. As I mentioned earlier, some births NEED to be medicalized. At the end of the day, we all want the same thing. Safe mom and safe baby.

• Insurance: Every carrier and provider is different. Please make sure you check on both.

• Tour your choice. I know that with COVID you may not be able to do in person tours, however make a virtual appointment. I looked at several when I was going to have my children, and I can tell you this. There were some that I could tell within five minutes was not the right choice for me.

The above are just some of the high level things to look at. Just remember, this is very personal choice, and one that you don’t need to justify to friends and family. I always ask my clients, what does your gut say? Learn to listen to that voice. It is one of your greatest secret weapons. In raising my own children, I have been called to listen to it a lot, and I would say about 95% of the time, I have been right. You will be too.

My Favorite Subscription Boxes........

I am not a fan of clutter. I can’t stand it, and there are a ton of subscription boxes out there and in my humble opinion, they really are full of sample packages of stuff that you probably won’t use. I love things that I can use, and that have a practical purpose. I feel compelled to remind you that the baby industry is a multi billion dollar industry. It’s big money, and paying $49.95 to get a box of samples just does not appeal to me. I love things that make my life easier, look pretty (I’m not gonna lie) and are practical. I have put together a list of my favorites below, and you really can’t go wrong with these!

• Hatch Collection: Hatch was founded in 2011 by Ariane Goldman. She created Hatch to fill a void in the maternity market, looking for things that were elevated and chic. She created a line of timeless styles that is meant to be worn in every stage. You are even able to shop by trimester. I’m a huge fan of the dresses! Now, I’ll be honest with you. This is NOT the most affordable maternity wear available, but she kept her promise. The clothing is beautiful!! They also have a beauty and wellness section and the beauty products are clean solutions. The belly oil is amazing and affordable!

• Literati: I believe that you can never have to many books. They have an adult version and a kid version. For the kid’s box, 5 books curated by experts, delivered monthly in a personalized box. You have one week to choose your favorite books, and send the rest back for free. You can’t beat it! They are grouped by age, with the starting age of 0-3! This is something that can grow with your little ones. I have always bought books for my boys, and they love them. You will never regret reading to your kids!

• Mouth Snack Subscription: This is one of the best things on the planet if you ask me! First, you can pick a category for your box. Everything from nuts and dried fruit, chips, popcorn, even pickles! The price is $54-60 per month, but it is worth every penny.

• Clean Beauty Box: Skincare delivered to your doorstep every other month. The subscription comes in a single box, two boxes or six boxes. The price depends, but can be as little as $41.95. This is really one of my favorite sites for skin care in general. Your skin is the largest organ on the body, and items put on the skin can enter the blood stream within ten seconds of application. We owe it to ourselves and our babies to have a clean skin routine. This is website can help you do that!

• Wumblekin: I have to say this is the best box ever! It’s a pregnancy box with evidence-based education and expert curated products. What makes them different is that they research and share only science based facts from pregnancy experts. Every item is parent tested, and expert curated. The expert panel consists of MD’s, midwives, IBCLC’s, behavioral and mental health professionals, and RN’s. You can order boxes based on trimester, and pricing ranges from $49.99-$69.99.

• SAKARA: This is my favorite meal delivery service. Their meals and products are backed by cutting-edge nutrition science and traditional healing wisdom to give your body what it needs to thrive. The Prenatal Vitamin is one of the cleanest on the planet. Your pregnancy is more than just three trimesters: It’s creation, it’s growth, and ultimately, it’s change. Made with clean, organic, food-based ingredients and food cofactors, these curated daily supplement packs are there to provide you with all the nutrition you need at every moment—nurturing and nourishing you along the way. Use my Code XOHOLLY for 20% off your first purchase.

These subscription boxes are nice to haves, not need to haves. Pregnancy is a time that is exciting, and it is also a time where sometimes you forget about yourself. These websites can help you make sure that you are doing something a little above and beyond for yourself. Doing things that may be a little extra, but definitely worth it. Let’s be honest, who doesn’t want a whole box of pickles?

Birth Plan Does and Don'ts.......

Your birth plan is important, and here is why. It sets your intention and helps your birth team understand what your wishes are. Here is the other reason why it is important, it helps you and your partner become clear on what it is that you both want, and that matters. I think the best part of putting your birth plan together is the education you receive in the process. In spending the time to put it together, you have to do some research, and you become empowered with that knowledge. I need you to know. This DOES NOT need to be a thesis. It won’t get read. It just won’t. I have seen birth plans exceed ten pages, and while I think it is fantastic, you have done that for you, not your team. Not a single person at the hospital is going to spend time reading that. They will smile, and make some sort of off handed remark, and put it in your pile of papers. That will honestly be it. They will continue to ask all the questions despite all of your carefully crafted wishes which you have put in that birth plan. If you truly want an effective birth plan, short and sweet. That’s the ticket. Follow my steps below for an effective, but comprehensive planning system.

• Take a childbirth Education Class. Even if it is not mine. This will not be a waste of time. Doesn’t it sound much easier to get your hands on evidence based information rather than reading random articles, research studies, and bad advice, which by the way takes hours and hours. My classes can be found here. Rhonda Fellows offers birth classes which are fantastic as well. The more you understand what is going to happen, the better you are able to plan for it.

• Your birth plan should be no more than one page. Just like a resume. Any more than that and it won’t get read. I know that this is a labor of love for you, but you want to have the most clear and simple direction. You can fit a lot on a page, trust me.

• When working with my clients I use a plan that is one page, and has icons. Seriously. My 17 year old son can navigate this birth plan, and it has all the things on it. You want it to be super simple. You can schedule a planning session with me here. You can also search on Etsy or Pixabay for the icons that you would need, build it in Canva and craft one that way. Hospital staff love this way of doing a birth plan. It takes a few minutes to look at and they then it is placed on the white board in your room. That way when there is a staff change, or new member of your birth team, everyone is clear and everyone can see it. You are not having to answer a million questions that you have already answered.

• Use evidence based information. Always. Here area a few of my favorites. Evidence Based Birth. The Cochrane Review. ACOG.

• The most successful birth plans that I have seen have one thing in common. Flexibility. When we get to attached to our plan, things can get complicated quickly. Birth is fluid. Birth changes. Birth is unpredictable. EVERYONE involved wants one outcome. Safe Birthing Person. Safe Baby. Period. When things don’t go 100% to the plan, that is ok. Just know that if some things on the plan change, other things are honored.

Your birth plan is important. The ability to birth the way we want is important. Feeling heard is important. All of this impacts how we feel about birth. We can impact our birth best when we educate ourselves about the process, plan with flexibility, and put safety first. Ask questions, research, learn about your body. You can do this, and it will be amazing!

Six things I wish I knew about the Postpartum Period......

When I think about all things baby, I am often left wondering why we spend so much time preparing for baby and pregnancy, labor and delivery, and we often forget about what happens when you bring your baby home. Not a lot of people talk about what really happens, how we feel, or what reality looks like. Once you get home, I’m going to be honest. Reality sets in. Whether this is your first baby, or your third. Things look different, and it is critical that people start to talk about it. There are long nights, breastfeeding, visitors, and TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF. Read that last part again. You need to take care of yourself, so that you are able to take care of that sweet baby. Below are things that I wish I knew when I brought my kids home, and things I discuss with all my clients so they feel prepared, and feel less overwhelm.

1. Get the Book The First Forty Days! It has amazing recipes for healing and I’m telling you, you won’t be able to put it down. Read it before baby comes. It will serve you well. In almost every single culture but ours, they really honor the postpartum period. A lot of other cultures lead the postpartum time with this concept. 10 days in the bed, 10 days on the bed, 10 days near the bed. I want people to understand that after you have a baby, there is an open wound the size of a paper plate. That is where your placenta attached. If you were walking around with that wound outside of the body, people would want you to rest and recover, but because we can’t see that it’s easy to forget how important healing time is. I am going to give you permission right now. You don’t have to go to Target. Send someone else. You don’t have to entertain people who come to see your baby. They can get their own water. You don’t have to LEAVE YOUR HOUSE. Spend time getting to know your baby with all the cuddles. Eat, Sleep, Rest and repeat.

2. Arrange your home to be convenient. I will tell you a little story. When I brought my first baby home, everything was perfect, or so I thought in my head. Nursery was perfect, house was so clean, everything was organized. It was organized like a museum, rather than a home that was about to have a very sore mom and new baby. I had a level four episiotomy, and a baby that ended up in the NICU. The main floor did not have a rest room. There was one upstairs, and one in our finished basement. I had over a hundred stiches and could hardly take two steps, let alone go up and down to change diapers. It was literal hell on earth. It wasn’t until my step mother came to visit that she set up little stations all over the house so everything was arranged on what worked for me and baby. A nursing station in the living room, a changing station in the dining room, our sunroom became his nursery. My home had been arranged in perfection for guests, not a mother who could barely walk or a baby that spent time in the NICU. Arrange things for convenience. You’ll thank me later, I promise!

3. Meal Plan. Get an instant Pot. Pre make food so that meals are the absolute last thing on your mind. Sign up for a meal plan service. I love SAKARA, Hello Fresh, and look locally. If you are in Minneapolis or surrounding areas, Hola Postpartum is amazing! Have a friend or family member set up a meal train. If you don’t, two thing will happen. One, you will eat non stop take out which gets expensive, and won’t promote nearly enough of the nutrients that you need for healing, or two, you will skip meals altogether. Neither of these options are great.

4. Use your resources. Listen to your body and mind. There are so many professionals that aid in the postpartum time. Pelvic Floor Specialists. Post Partum Therapists. Post Partum Doulas. IBCLC’s (International Board Certified Lactation Counselor). These people are specifically trained to aid in your postpartum journey. There are there so that you are not sitting up late at night feeling like you have no support. This is hard. I will be honest with you. This is one of hardest times that you will face, and I am here to tell you. YOU CAN DO IT. There will long nights, there will be tears, but you are strong, so there is no doubt in mind that you can do this! Reach out to people that can help you. Sometimes the advice from your family members is riddled in judgement, you just don’t need that.

5. Talk to your partner about who does what. Laundry. Cooking, Shopping. How will things look different in the immediate postpartum time, and go forward? Who will do what? If you have a plan go forward, there will be less arguing. I have seen this work. It’s ok that roles switch for a while. No one says that if they roll one way, that they can’t go back, although I will tell you, sometimes they don’t . You have added a whole person to the mix. You will find your new normal. Things level out. It get’s easier. Allow yourself grace and patience. The parenthood journey is one of the most amazing things you will do.

6. Schedule time with your partner. Schedule time for each of you to do things that you love. This is one of the most critical things that I can encourage you to do. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO IGNORE THE THINGS YOU LOVE. You just have to make time to do them. Even if it is for 30 minutes. My husband loves to run errands. Alone. He loves it. That is something that I understand and appreciate, and honestly the Target runs get done. I hate to do them. I love to spend time hiking. It’s my thing. We each understand that having this time to ourselves helps the family function happily. Maybe it’s meeting friends to play cards , or you want to get a manicure with your sister. DO THESE THINGS!

I tried to do all the things. The only thing that really ended up happening is I was exhausted, crabby, and felt like I was never going to heal or catch up. Sometimes I just needed someone to give me permission to just rest with baby. So, if you are someone like me who needs permission, YOU HAVE PERMISSION to not do all the things, and to relax, heal, and hug that baby.

My Top 15 Baby Product Picks.......

First things first. The baby industry is projected to be worth 88.72 billion dollars worldwide by 2026. It is an extremely profitable business, which is why gearing up for your baby seems like a very overwhelming experience. I am here to tell you…YOU DON’T NEED ALL THE THINGS! You just don’t. It will be literal crap that just takes up space, and you will have to rehome or donate. Babies are tiny humans, and they have preferences just like us. Don’t run out and buy all the things. You just don’t need it. The baby industry wants you to think that you need it all, and that without it you are not providing the absolute best for your baby. Not True! Let me give you an example. I HATE baby bath tubs. They are huge, awkward to use, and take up space. Plain and simple.

Here are my top recommendations for some baby products that have excellent reviews, and parents love! I am not receiving any compensation for the products in this list. Frankly, it can be hard to find honest reviews where you are feeling like people actually like the product rather than being paid to recommend it. The list is not made of the most inexpensive, but rather what people love. In my opinion some of the items aren’t truly necessary, but rather nice to haves, not need to haves. These are in particular order.

• Wander and Roam Foam Play-mat. You can find this here . They are woman owned, eco friendly, hypoallergenic and non-toxic. They also come in the most adorable patterns and colors. They are great for everything from play, yoga, and everything in between.

• Copper Pearl Bandana Bibs. You can find this here. They are well priced and have tons of pattern choices! I love these as when your baby begins to teeth, trust me you’ll love them. When my first was a baby, I was constantly changing his shirt because it was soaked, these take care of that. I love this company as they also have adorable apparel, blankets and are Family owned started by two best friends in 2015.

• The Solly Baby Wrap. This carrier is made of a lightweight, breathable fabric and comes in really cute prints, and are affordable. Another woman owned company. Good for 5-25 pounds and is less structured which keeps babe close. You can find this here.

• Lillebaby. These carriers are more structured and are useful for babies from 7-45 pounds. There are a variety of different styles and the website does a great job of explaining which carrier is best for your lifestyle. I used this from about 7 months of age until my son was three. It is great. Find the carriers here.

• Hiccapop Baby Wipe Warmer. This is definitely a nice to have. I had two babies that did fine without one, however with my last baby I will say that it made diaper changes a little easier. With over 9800 5 star reviews there is something to these. Click here.

• Baeba Babycook NEO. This makes everything from fine purees to food with chunkier textures and won’t take up a lot of counter space. You could also use an instant pot, but this thing is your one stop shop for homemade baby food! Click here.

• Infant Optics DXR-8 Video Baby Monitor with Interchangeable Optical Lens. This has been voted best monitor time and time again. Again, over 40,000 ratings say so. Privacy is guaranteed. The video and audio is transmitted via a secure 2.4 Ghz Channel with Fhss Technology. This ensures no data is shared through the internet and no other devices can access your camera unit. Click here

• Sunscreen: Adorable Baby is one of the safest brands out there according to the EWG (environmental working group) website. This means that their products do not contain any ingredients of concern and meet their highest standard for ingredient safety. All of their ingredients are naturally sourced or derived. Click here.

• Graco 4Ever DLX 4 in 1 car seat. Car seats are a very personal decision. I go with safety first! I also like one that will last a while! This one transforms from rear-facing (4-40 IB) to forward facing harness (22-65 IB), to high back booster (40-100 IB) to backless booster (4-120 IB). It features an integrated seatbelt lock-off system and Graco’s SimplySafe harness adjustment system, which helps prevent mistakes common when adjusting convertible car seats. Car Safety Hub gives this one 5 stars. You can find the car seat here.

• Breast pumps. This is also a personal choice, and some insurance companies cover the cost of this so make sure you call and check. People love the Spectra S1 Plus. This pump has hospital strength, which means big power and less noise. You can adjust the speed and suction and it uses a closed in system which keeps milk completely sperate from the pump pieces. It’s portable and small in size compared with some of the other pumps that are available. People love the comfortability factor and it’s easy to use. Find the pump here.

• Bottles. Comotomo Baby Bottle. This one is shaped like a breast, and you can pump directly into the bottle. You are even able to squeeze the bottle to mimic mom’s breast and milk flow. For more information about bottle and breast feeding I rely and send my clients to Danielle Spradlin who is an IBCLC. She is amazing and the best resource for all things breast feeding. She has a ton of information on her website. I trust her with all of my clients breastfeeding needs.

• Sleep. Sleep is a very personal decision, and what is right for one family might not be the choice of another. I encourage you to visit these websites to make the best possible decision for your family. CDC provides info on safe sleep. You can also find great information from AAP (American Academy of Pediatrics).

• Babymoov Hygro+ Humidifier. This is not the most exciting item to add to your registry, but you’ll be glad you did! I can’t tell you how many times I needed it and was so glad that I did not have to run out to Target or Walmart late at night to find one. This one is programmable and customizable. The mist output is 360 degrees, and it runs almost silent. You can find it here.

• Swing. 4moms mamaRoo. This high-tech swing + bouncer hybrid mimics human movements with five natural motions, five speeds and four built in sounds AND is Bluetooth -enabled for remote motion and sound control. You really can’t go wrong with this one! Find it here.

• Strollers. I prefer one that is a travel system, and honestly if you spend money on one thing…this is it. Things to consider would be weight, how much room does it take up, is it easy to fold down, and of course safety. I love Inglesina strollers! They can be used from 3 months to 55 IBS. Here is the thing. I bought one of these when my first baby was born, 18 years ago. I used that stroller with each child, (my youngest is five). It held up and weighed less than 11 IBS. It folds up to the size of a matchstick and is really easy to use and durable. I honestly would give it 100 stars. There are lot of strollers out there ranging in price from $50-$1400 dollers, but I’m telling you can’t go wrong with this one! Find them here.

On a final note. There is so much stuff out there, and some of it is just stuff. There are really amazing companies that will make your life easier, and some products that will take up space and are useless. The old saying of give your toddler a cardboard box to play in or pots and pans and it will keep them busy for hours is true. I’m not saying to not buy any toys, but you don’t need ALL the toys and gear. Take it from me. When one day they are four and five and have to clean out that playroom. You will thank me. I promise!

Use Your Voice.......

I want to let you know how important your voice is during your pregnancy and postpartum time. I feel like this is a little known tool that holds immense power. I can’t tell you the number of times that I will be talking with a client, and I will hear, “I didn’t know that I could say that.” Here’s the thing. YOU ARE IN CHARGE. That’s right, let me say that again. You are in charge of your body, your birth, and your care. I think that in this culture we are taught from a very young age to not question any type of authority, especially as women. Here is thing, if you don’t advocate for yourself, no one else will.

Picture this. You have been very clear with your provider, your partner, and your birth team that you are requesting an unmedicated birth. You are not high risk. You have taken your childbirth education. You have created your birth plan. It has all been made very clear. Imagine you now arrive at your birthing place. You have again stated your wishes, yet you are being constantly asked about an epidural, or other medications that can be used for pain during birth. You are in labor, you are uncomfortable, and you are using all of things that you have learned to cope. That one question about pain medication will continue to throw you out of your rhythm. It is ok to say no. It is ok to ask them to not ask you about pain medication again. It is even ok to request that you get a new nurse. Yep, all of that is ok. Now, I’m not suggesting that this be done in a disrespectful way, however, asking that you receive a new nurse is perfectly acceptable. It is ok to ask for a new provider all together DURING your birth. This is your right. You do not need permission to feel safe, heard and respected during your birth. And yes, I have seen this done before.

Now picture this. You are 38 weeks, and headed in to one of your last pre natal appointments with your provider. They would like to do a cervical check “to see where you are in relation to dilation. You have an otherwise healthy pregnancy marked with nothing out of the ordinary. Baby sounds good, birthing person’s vitals look good. Do you need to have a cervical check? Well, that depends. Do YOU want one? Again, perfectly ok to say no thank you. Same for a membrane sweep. During Covid, I will say that I am seeing more and more providers suggest a membrane sweep if for no other reason than “to get things going.” In my experience, I have seen this work about 50% of the time, but make no mistake…it is a way to induce labor. Again, you may decline. If something is explained to you that you do not understand, you should and can question it. Ask for clarity and understanding. Don’t feel bad. Think about it this way, if you are at work and someone asks you a question in regards to something they don’t understand. You answer them, and try to have a conversation about it. This should happen with your care team as well.

This also goes for things in regards to your baby after birth. If all is well with baby, testing can wait. You can enjoy and get to know your baby, begin to breast feed if that is your choice, decline eye ointment. All of these things are within your control. You just need to know that it IS in your power to use your voice to let your care team know what your preferences are. You are not at their mercy. Do not be afraid. ASK!

I say all of this not so that you enter your birth in a combative environment, but so that you feel empowered to get answers that you need in order to make the best choices for you and your family. I often hear my clients say that they don’t want to bother their provider with what they are afraid is a silly question. Let me say this loud and clear. THERE ARE NO SILLY QUESTIONS WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR BIRTH AND YOUR BABY. Read that again. It is their job to answer your questions, and to make sure that you feel heard. That is their job. This is what they signed up for. This is their job description. To take the call in the middle of the night. To answer your questions when they are asked. To make sure that you feel heard. If for one second that is not happening, it may be time to switch providers. This can be done up until the very end of your journey. Don’t feel trapped. You have choices.

At the end of the day, we all want a healthy birthing person and baby. Plain and simple. You owe it to yourself, and to your baby. Don’t allow fear, and misinformation be your guiding principles. Listen to your gut. I have learned that 99.9% of the time it is right. YOU know your body and your baby. That is powerful. That makes you the perfect advocate. May you have a healthy and safe pregnancy, which is guided with what you need to make the best choices for your family. You’ve got this. I believe in you!

Get in the Frame........

What do I mean by this? Get in the pictures with your kids. I grew up around cameras my entire life, and as not only a doula but as a photographer HollyOhmanPhotography.com, I can’t tell you how important this is. I’ve done it myself, moved out of the photo when I felt that I didn’t look my best, or was just not in the mood, however you will regret it. These photos document your life. They document your children as they grow, they show the family pet, the house you brought your babies home to. You will want to remember and so will your kids.

My grandmother was one of my favorite humans to ever be on this planet, and guess what? I have two photographs of her. Now, keep in mind, my grandmother’s best friend was one of the best and most recognized portrait photographers in Milwaukee. He was at all family events, or just a regular Sunday afternoon and he always had his camera. He documented our life, Some of the most beautiful images I have are of my sister and I, and I love them. I have two of my grandmother. She really did hate the camera, almost appearing angry if someone were to sneak a photo. I will tell you this. The image of her that I love the most is one where she is sitting in the garden watching us play. Walter took it I’m sure without her knowledge. I remember that day perfectly. I recall the smell of the summer air, the food that she spent hours preparing for our family BBQ, the rose garden that I spent hours in, even how my sisters blond curly hair reflected the most beautiful light. These images are reminders of my youth, and I am so grateful to have them. I wish there were more.

I found myself really dodging the camera once my children were born. I had two boys very close together, and honestly I felt as if I was barely holding it together. I ran on little to no sleep, rarely had any makeup up, and my clothes didn’t fit the way that they once had. I had my new body, and frankly it was one that I didn’t love like the previous one. More on that later. I had access to the best photography equipment and I knew I had to document the boys. My stepfather gave me one of his Nikon cameras and I shot on film. I photographed everything. I also learned how to shoot on film, which I am grateful for. A lot of you reading this article have probably never had that luxury, and I say that with love, but there is something about film. I have thousands of images of the kids, and I am in very few. That was on purpose. Now as the boys are 18, 16, and 5, I wish there were more of me in the images. There are a lot of me with my five year old, because I know what it is like to hear my older boys pour over boxes of images from when they were little and actually ask, “Were you not there?” My first inclination is to be annoyed. Someone had to take those images. But honestly, I had plenty of people that could have taken the image so that I was there too. I didn’t feel like I looked the way I wanted to look, or I was just simply to busy.

GET IN THE FRAME. These images are not just for you, but for your children. They will ask. Where were you? They will remember the smell of the air, the old family car, and they will remember the details of the life that you have worked so hard to create. It does not matter that you have no makeup on, or that you are wearing the same sweatpants that you loved in college. (Can you tell I have been there?) They want to see YOU there. I recently had to find some images for my oldest son’s hockey banquet. We have since moved out of the house I brought him home to. There were bottles on the counter, and he sat on those old scratched up hardwood floors. It jogged all of the memories of the old house, having bottles to wash, the chaos of a house with babies. I now have the chaos of teenagers and a five year old. You will notice things in those images that you have taken for granted before, or simply forgotten as you move through the stages.

My stepfather and my father were both photographers, my father a hobbyist, and my step father made a 30 year career of it, and even now spends his free time photographing the beautiful landscape of Ely, MN. I love my camera. They made sure that I understood the importance of taking the picture. I want to encourage you to do one more thing with those images that you capture. Print them. Don’t just let all of those images sit on your phone or computer. Hang them in your home, Have them on hand. Look at them. As the years pass and you enter into the different stages of your life, look at them. You’ll see yourself in a new way. As the years pass, you will want to remember that new mom that was worried if everything she was doing was right. It will remind you that even as they get older, they still need you. Trust me on this one. You won’t regret it.

Boundaries.........

I want to talk about something that I feel is so important. I’m sure that you have noticed that once you announced your pregnancy, everyone had advice, and certainly an opinion. When I think back to some of the things that were said to me, I still am in disbelief. It seems as if once you are pregnant everyone is an expert, and sometimes the most shocking part of it all is the fact that most of the advice is riddled with terrible suggestions, based on inaccurate information and a lot of time comes from a place of fear mongering. Here’s the thing. Birth is hard. Plain and simple. That does not mean that you can’t do it. That does not mean that the experiences of others will be yours. I believe that people need to go into the experience with their eyes wide open, and I know that people need to have more education on what their body can and will do. It isn’t to often that people are telling you all the things that went perfectly or how easy it was. They are often times trying to heal their experiences, and you are entitled to have your own experience.

How do you that? Let me break it down for you.

• Protect your space. It is perfectly acceptable to NOT engage or listen to other people’s birth story. Simply let them know that you would love to hear the details of their story, after you have had your baby. Let them know that you are trying to have your own experience, and you would love for them to share their experience AFTER you have birthed your own baby. You don’t have to be rude. It’s amazing what you can say as long as you are smiling.

• Get a doula. Even if it is not me. Get one. Doula’s are the eyes and ears of your birth space. Studies show that when someone is in active labor, their area of focus is inches from their face. We are listening to everything. We are seeing everything. We know when you birth partner needs to eat, and when you need to hydrate. We are familiar with positions to put you in to help you move through labor. We are able to explain things so that they make sense and you will never be alone. We are able to provide childbirth education, help you plan, and we know what to expect. What to help you ask. Support you in any way that we can.

• Childbirth education is one of the most valuable things that you can do. I have found that most people are not as familiar with their body as they think. There is a certain amount of anatomy, physiology, overall bodily autonomy that comes with the birth experience. It’s helpful to have evidence based information so that you are able to make the best decisions for your family. It is important to have a general understanding of how birth works so that you know what your body is capable of. When you are armed with that information, everything seems a little easier.

• Know when to say NO. You are growing a human. Enough said.

• If you intend on breastfeeding, take a class. It is so helpful. It really can make all the difference. Everyone’s breastfeeding journey looks different. It takes a little getting used to, but so does most everything. Don’t wait to ask for support. You do not need to suffer through it. There are so many resources out there to support your family, and your doula is typically well connected and can point you in the direction of an IBCLC (International Board Certified Lactation Consultant) should you need one.

• Spend some planning for the post partum period. We spend so much time preparing for baby, that often times we forget about ourselves. Take time to think about roles within the family unit and who does what. It can make all the difference. When people arrive home after having their baby I always tell them, “10 days in the bed, 10 days on the bed, and 10 days near the bed.” I know the thought of that can make some people roll their eyes. I am telling you, put yourself, and your new family first. Things can wait. You’ll thank me later for that one.

Just remember. This is your birth. Your experience. Your partner will likely have a different experience than you. That’s ok. You both are experiencing a life changing event. Let it be your experience. Don’t let other people put their expectations or their birth experience on you. You are entitled to have it be your own. Just remember. You can do this. You are strong, and you have been preparing for this moment. Let it be yours.

18 Summers………

They say that you get 18 summers with your kids. Let me tell you a little something. They go really fast until one day you wake up and realize that you’re down to your last one. Trust me, feel free to insert eye roll or tell yourself “yeah, yeah, I get it. I’ve hear it a million times.” I was that girl too. See, when you are in thick of it , it does seem to go pretty slow especially when you bring that new baby home. Life get’s really busy pretty quick. Most days you will wonder how you will do it. I’m here to tell you that you CAN and WILL do it. I’m also here to remind you to think about what is best for YOUR family.

I’m sure that as soon you announced your pregnancy everyone had an opinion. Total strangers feel the need to give much unsolicited advice and often times it is terrible and incorrect. People also love to share their birth stories and they are often riddled with scary details and how you better make sure that a laundry list of things are in place. Let me be one of the first ones to tell you that you don’t need to listen, if fact it’s ok to ask people to refrain from sharing them. You are pregnant with this baby one time. ONE TIME. It will be the first of many “one” times you get. You are entitled to enjoy it how and when you want to without someone else’s experience shoved down your throat.

I recently attended my first child’s senior hockey banquet during a pandemic. Socially distanced with a mask in a responsible setting, but let me tell you one thing. Not one person was thinking or discussing the advice, or lack of advice they had gotten. You know what was discussed the most? The firsts. Stay with me. For example, I was flooded with all of the first times that we experienced with Oliver. The first time he put on those hockey skates at the pond league that we signed him up for having no idea what this would turn into. The first time he could actually stop on those skates without crashing into something first. His first team of kids that turned into lifelong friends. His first coach that I didn’t like. His first tryout. His first goal. But, as I stood there so very proud it also forced me to think about the lasts.

Being a parent is like being told you have walk around this earth with your heart outside of your body. There are so many things that I have done WITH Oliver and BECAUSE of him. I sat at that banquet and really it was almost as if his entire childhood flashed before me. Then I remembered. This is the last of the 18 summers. Then I felt as if my heart was being torn off my body. I know he needs to live his life. To be the man that he needs to become. To experience life beyond the confines of his parents, coaches and the many others that have impacted his life in the best possible way. It hasn’t always been rainbows, and there were and will continue to be hard times, but now when he gets in his car he’ll be gone for much longer amounts of time. I feel a little like I am scrambling. Like I can’t breathe. Because while he experienced all the firsts, he made me a mom for the first time. One of the biggest firsts of my lifetime is because of him and when I think about that I am reminded that with all the firsts, I need to prepare for the lasts.

This IS his last summer with all of us. I booked a family vacation that he is less than thrilled with, but he’s going. At first I was hyper-focused on making it perfect. Now…..we will all be together, doing all the things that we love, and as I have always done, I will document it with my camera. I’m so excited for him, but if I’m honest, a little sad for me. A couple nights ago he came to me and as we were talking about the decisions that he needs to make in the next couple of weeks, he looked me dead in the eye and asked “What if I’m not ready?” He needs to decide between one of the three University’s that he applied to or heading to Canada to play Jr. Hockey. He asked me to decide for him. No. I will not make that decision. I’m here to guide him, not decide his future for him. My response was that he needs to do what makes his heart happy. Over the years I’ve learned that THIS leads to a happy family. It may be the wrong decision, but we will all be here if he falls AND for when he gets back up.

So. Take it all in. ALL OF IT. I will be preparing for our trip out west and I can’t wait. I know that I have a lot more firsts coming my way with him, and we will navigate the way we always have. We will listen to our hearts. We will lead with kindness and compassion. We will celebrate the wins, and dust off after the losses. I will relish this last summer as I prepare to be without him, and he prepares to be on his own. I will miss the chaos of having a kitchen that never closes, three boys arguing, loud music, ice baths and late night conversations. I still have two more summers with my middle boy, and 15 summers with my youngest. This will be my last with Oliver. So when the days seem long, you ‘re exhausted and can’t really see next week let alone 18 summers. Go slow. You are doing it. It will be amazing.